I had lunch at home alone today. I made myself an egg salad sandwich on black bread and ate it in the kitchen while browsing through a cookbook. I’ve done this lots of times but today it felt different. I just wasn’t sitting alone eating my lunch. I was a widow alone in my house eating a solitary meal.
I still can’t figure out what that word widow means to me. I know what it felt like to be a mother, a wife, a sister and a daughter but being a widow that’s still a mystery to me. Should I dress in all white or black? Let my hair turn gray, stop wearing makeup, buy some sensible shoes? Maybe I should take up bridge, learn to knit or devote myself to “good works” whatever that means. But seriously, I really don’t know how to behave, what to feel or what, if anything, is expected of me.
I’m happy, I’m sad, I remember, I forget all in the same day. It’s exhausting, confusing and always unsettling. I used to feel that change was a challenge I could rise to and learn from. Unpredictability was thrilling not frightening. I prided myself on my strength, my openness to new things, my independence. But this change, this sudden reversal, this loss—hell, let’s call a spade a spade--this tragedy is a test of all my coping skills.
Well, I lived with Steve for 41 years. I guess that says something about my ability to survive.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
""""""""I’m happy, I’m sad, I remember, I forget all in the same day. It’s exhausting, confusing and always unsettling.""""
AND VERY NORMAL.......ESPECIALLY BEING MINDFUL OF THE DYNAMICS OF THE ROLE YOU EACH PLAYED IN YOUR MARRIAGE,GREATER COMMUNITY AND LIFE.
AS YOU SAID (and I paraphrase) "PEOPLE THOUGHT STEVE & I WERE SO DIFFERENT BUT IN THOSE MATTERS THAT MEANT SO MUCH TO EACH OF US, WE WERE A UNITED FRONT"
IT IS WITHIN THE CONFINE OF THOSE 'MATTERS' THAT YOU WILL BE SELF TESTED ......you will begin to doubt yourself or at least question the purpose of your next action........you will begin to try to put yourself within the mind of that other person who resides within you......you will begin to ask others for direction and accept the reality of the absence of that other person who resides within you.....you will begin to second guess yourself.....you will begin to wonder why some of the 'legal professionals' you must now deal with simply don't understand the broader picture of some decisions.........you will just ache for yesterday, you will begin to fear tomorrow, you will begin to internalize this strange notion of wife without husband, you will be forced to live with that notion and not like it, you will continue to talk to him and want to call or email him and the truth of that void slaps you in the gut........ you will begin to re-establish the YOU......you will begin to present yourself to the world on your terms and they will laud you for your strength and guess what Ellen, it's not a sham ......underneath that horrible pain that seizes your very being and in that small corner of your heart holding all the glorious moments of your love you do build a strength to preserve and protect........and slowly the face of pain changes and you realize you must acknowledge the world you both have created--- perhaps differently but with as much enthusiasm and wonder........and always there will be the need to retreat to your memories and your tears........make that space for yourself. It is not only comforting, it is revitalizing.
With love and understanding...toni
Post a Comment