Surrounded by Love

I am still in Jamaica. My real home seems very far away in some cold, dark place that I am not eager to get back to.

I loved being in the house at Treasure Beach with Elliott and Jeelu and Asha. Everything afternoon and evening Liz and Giul and the dogs would join us. We chatted, watched the sunset--always amazing--ate Audrey's wonderful food, listened to music, played games and all the time one of us--maybe all of us--was thinking of Steve and how we loved him and missed his being here. Somehow I felt our being together was conjuring up his presence, that he was watching us play Sorry, hearing Freddy King in the background, sharing the vibe, feeling the love. I didn't feel sad. I felt lucky to be in this beautiful place with good friends and family who loved me.

On New Year's Eve, we all left for Negril and it almost felt that we were leaving Steve behind. We were going to a place where he had never been and would never see. Maybe that is why I felt so sorrowful that night. I've never made a big deal about New Years. I've always been just as happy to stay home and cuddle on the couch. But that night I really couldn't bear the thought that Steve would never experience 2011. It made me so sad. It seemed so final. He's not ever coming back, I said. I really am on my own.

That horrible feeling lasted just one night, thank goodness.

When I was young, my mother always told me I was surrounded by love. Those words never failed to comfort me when I was lonely and frightened. I say them to myself now and think of Steve. He is surrounded by love.